I fed my ego, but not my soul!

My biggest flaw.…

          Two years of preschool, ten years of schooling, two years of pre-professional and then four years of professional training. May be more than 300+ books, 500+ movies, 25 years of life experience and a lot more…….what have I learned from all those? Where did all the knowledge go? That’s my biggest flaw, my ego.

              What is this ego? “Id, ego and super-ego” - three parts of the psychic apparatus defined in Sigmund Freud's structural model. Id is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends; the ego is the organised, realistic part; and the super-ego plays the critical and moralising role. Yes I am admitting it openly: I fed my ego, but not my soul. All that I acquired – good and bad – was fed to my ego. In Vedanta it’s referred to as ‘ahaam bhavam’, and the supreme knowledge is referred to as knowing your ‘ahaam’ / ‘athman’. It was a realization, I have read about all these concepts many a time, examined the meanings and underpinnings countless times but never have it dawned on me that I, myself am a victim. All the light that was shown to me was leading my ego to climb heights, but me as a person is still on ground zero. This humbles me, no rather it should humiliate me.  I am confessing: many, many, many a loss I suffered in my life was because of my ego. I could not be the person I wanted to be, because my own ego was blocking my way.

“Asato maa sadgamaya

Tamaso maa jyotirgamaya

Mṛityor maa amṛitan gamaya”

“From the Unreal, lead us to the Real; from Darkness, lead us unto Light; from Death, lead us to Immortality.”

           I am taking a resolution here, to be humble and feed my soul and not my ego from today!! The prayer be my lantern, showing my way ahead……..  

            I might have managed to turn around to be ok in my professional life so far, but my personal life ……..the story is totally different, tomorrow that’s our story.

It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it ! ! !

              Trust – a five letter word that has so much emotion and sentiments attached to it.  It’s strange that we are so vulnerable when we trust someone but paradoxically, if we cannot trust we’ll never be able to understand, appreciate and then to achieve anything in life.  Trust – same time your strength and weakness, like the cliché phrase goes: pulling one drags another.  Many a times in a relationship this factor matters the most. Yeah, you can say “ It’s not trust but – love, compassion, understanding, caring, etc, etc . . . ."  but let me ask you,  in the absence of trust can any of the said factors flourish ? Trust is the essential basement on which any kind of relationship is built on.  Well why this lecture on trust…….we all know what it is, isn’t?

              Let me get on with my confession. Last two days I was home. A particular incident occurred that kept me thinking where I stand in terms of earning and keeping trust.  I happened to wound the trust of a very dear friend, in fact not just a friend, a soul mate I should say – who stood with me through the most difficult times of my life so far. I had secretly tucked some chapters of my life away from my friend: intentionally.  But it was in no way meant to hurt or hide anything,  just to avoid a few moments of unpleasant talk.  Now when I look back I feel guilty, shouldn’t have done that.  I’m sure all of you will be having such an experience.  Only if I had the courage to . . . . .

              So my dear readers have courage to drink the sour wine to keep your trust intact, short cut getaways will land you in trouble. You keeping other’s trust won’t paint the complete picture; there is one more shade involved: what you go through when your trust is betrayed. When your very concept about the person you care comes crashing down on you. When all that trust you gave meant nothing, when you bluntly realize one day that all the effort you had taken, all the time you had spent, all those sacrifices you made……..was just going down the drain. The moment you realize that your trust is being betrayed, all that you held dear to your heart about that person – be it your parents, siblings, friends, teachers, boss…….whomever it may be……you will need great strength to live through that moment. I had many, many, many such instances in my life. A quick rewind says I have not done a good job. I questioned myself to find out what the root cause is, and I think I got it….May be that’s my single greatest flaw. I know you are eager to know what it is……sure will tell you all, in my tomorrow’s post. 

Expected a storm, but was just like a light breeze.....

Jan 24 th between 11:00 AM and 11:30 AM......as per the astrologer the right time to put an end to my dreams......dreams that kept me going for six long years. You must be thinking why am i posting this here for the whole world to read - simple. I just want to be true to myself and besides I want this blog to have nothing but truth, unadulterated truth. More over later it should play a key part in my confessions. Yeah, I was talking about dreams......dreams can mean different things for different people. For some its their route map, a map to ensure they keep on winning and winning all the time. Again for some its their inspiration and reflection of the future......yet for some others its their only wealth, their everything. The underlying fact is : be it Mr. Bill Gates or the poorest begger to ever walk this earth dreams are always close to heart. Without dreams our hearts would be nothing but a barren waste land, incapable of anything remotely human. Dreams coloured my life so well that I was literally in heaven. But now I have lost the ones I cared for the most. They are shattered around me...all around me.

I am traveling now, in an airbus back home. The seat next to me is vacant. I'm keying down this post through my phone. Feeling sleepy, but I've promised myself one post per day. By the way the dreams I have lost is questioning my conscience . They are asking me why have I left them unfinished and half way through. What answer shall I give them? The truth is I failed.....failed to live my dreams. There are some moments in life how ever much you try to win fate doesn't allow you to. I never spared any effort to keep my dreams going but each time fate with a naughty smile kept defeating me. Hey I am no way a pessimist.....and I know harder the life hits you stronger you become. I believe for every single dream that's shattered today thousands more will be budding, I really am hungry to cherish every single of those beautiful moments when dreams touch reality.

As I said in the title I "expected a storm ". I used to fear that this day would burn me like in hell, but nothing happened......just a soft breeze. I am surprised and even a bit disappointed about how I faced the issue. Its as if I am cocooned inside a hard shell......a shell that my mind prepared to keep me safe. I didn't know until today that such a ' bunker ' existed. Just trust in yourselves......we are capable of getting over it.......after all we are the most evolved of all life forms on earth.

ഒരു തുള്ളി കണ്ണുനീര്‍, അവള്‍ക്കായി....

             Today's post is special for me.....my confession can wait. The university of life has its unique ways.....sometimes lessons have to learned the hard way......today i am penning down the last lines of a glorious chapter in my life. This chapter taught me a lot. Summing it all up in just one single word " lot " is totally an understatement.  I am writing this blog seated on the steps outside, just the light of the laptop screen - barely enough to see the keyboard. Soft cools breeze....night sky dotted with stars......sound of frogs from the paddy field next to my house......the world outside is so peaceful and soothing.

               I have come across this phrase many a time: " The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love, and be loved in return" I can't agree to that. To love, to be loved is just too common and besides even the worst human can return love if ' loved '. ( I know that in itself is a debate ). My point is different. What is LOVE ? Hmm.....i know what you are thinking..........i am not a fool to try defining LOVE. But i can, by all means, declare i have felt 100 % unadulterated love ........./ in my life.

                Once in KIMS- Kerala Institute of Medical Science. My mom was in the medical ICU, in life support systems. The whole world thought she was lost. Everyone was preparing for the worst - there seated in front of that MICU I, for the first time in my life felt what real love is. I LOVE YOU MY MOM. I should say that true love can be seen only through eyes fogged with tears. Only when you are about to loose you realize how much you loved. The pain that shatters your heart into a thousand fragments makes you feel love.

The following Malayalam poem is not my original work. I am not sure of the source,  had it with me for the last three years, scribbled on a piece of paper.



തിമിർത്തുപെയ്യുന്ന മഴ,
മഴയ്ക്ക് തനിയാവർത്തനങ്ങൾ ഇല്ല,
അതിന് ഒരിക്കലേ പെയ്തു തീരുവാൻ ആകു,
ഒന്ന് മറ്റൊന്നിനെ തുടർച്ചയാണ് എന്നുള്ളത്,

ആരുടെയോ വെറും മൊഴി.

പിന്നീട് വരുന്നത് മറ്റൊരു മഴ,

ആ മഴയ്ക്ക് ആദ്യം പെയ്തമഴയെ,

ഓർമ്മിപ്പിക്കാൻ കഴിയൂ,

ആദ്യമായി അറിഞ്ഞ് മഴ ആകുവാൻ കഴിയില്ല.

ആദ്യമായി അറിഞ്ഞ മഴയ്ക്ക്,

ഒരിക്കൽ മാത്രമേ പെയ്യുവാൻ ആകൂ,

ഒരിക്കൽ മാത്രമേ തൊരുവാൻ ആകൂ.

           Oooh Malayalam typing is too difficult. Please forgive me,  there will be mistakes, this is my first attempt. 

The prelude !

                Take it from me : It's no mean task, i mean where i left off yesterday. " Pouring my heart into a bowl " even worse when it's for a confession - especially when you can't be a hypocrite. My day was blessed with four hours of drive  - alone, from palakkad to thrissur and back - it was like being in heaven for me. Time to think, think, think, think, think,................and introspect.

                 Man is truly a wonderful being. Isn't it quiet funny and at the same time really amazing that we humans think about what we are thinking.......we study the complexities of our inner-self ( conscious, sub-conscious, un-conscious mind.....or what ever you might call those to be)  and  our thought processes using the very same elements at work. Well let me try to coin a phrase : " You are thinking about how you think by thinking about it ". Wow.......no wonder we are gods best creation.

                Let me come back - my confession. As i have not yet finished emptying my heart into the bowl........i am not sure here, it might be like trying to empty out an ocean into a small hole dug up on the shore........lets get on with the prelude. This prelude is for those of you who don't know me in person. I am eldest son to my sweet parents. Blessed with two siblings - my naughty brother  ( i am proud of him) and my cute little sis ( my silver lining ). By the way it's both boon and bane to be the eldest.......i am sure many know and agree to what i mean, but that's a major force in making me, me. 

Ooops......i have to pause for today. Already 8:00 have to be in theater by 8:30. 

I have a confession to make ! !

                    What is a "Confession”?? It's something like: In Catholic teaching, the Sacrament of Penance is the method of the Church by which individual men and women may confess sins committed after baptism and have them absolved by a priest.

                   The whole idea is to admit that you have done something wrong, ask forgiveness and then to swear that you won’t repeat it (yeah, absolution too)  - I have a very simple question - why should you do something wrong in the first place and then go through the entire "confession" ( only to repeat it again). Isn't it better to treat the disease than the symptom?? OMG any one from church listening.....this might be heresy.  Just some stray thoughts, that’s all.

                  This is exactly my problem. I will beat around the bush without coming to the point and finally when I do, I’ll be missing it by the whole 11 yards.........well I was about to confess. I tried to prepare a small note of things that I should be confessing about.....I ran out of paper. NOW STOP JUDGING ME - you are wrong. Just that my sense of right and wrong is too sensitive - I am a big fan of Albert Einstein, so I know it can be relative too. At this point of time my conscience is not clear. My conscience is bugging me for letting go of many things which were dear to my heart. But do you really have a choice? I want all of you to know......give me some time pour out my heart into a bowl.....fill my pen with that and to etch out the most bleeding parts of my life.......my confession !!

Back to the blogging wagon

Long time now.......lots have changed..... literary " lots ". For the last two days i was seriously thinking what to do with this blog.....to scrap it / start a fresh one.....its was logical to scrap this because there was no activity for more than two years and no one was following this now. But many.....MANY......thing in my life badly needs a fresh start.....my inner self didn't allow it......though passively the blog had stuck with me through thick and thin......unaware of what was going through my life.....now not sure where i am heading with this blog.....i wanted it to be tech oriented one when i started it.....but now i am leaving it to the flow of my heart.....my life......let it be a mirror showing the ripples of my life......a self portrait for my thoughts, deeds and adventures........i will try not to be a hypocrite.........